Journal #5: Childhood

Childhood, along with adulthood, is a very overrated topic. Who is to decide what age you should become an "adult" at? Everybody grows, learns, and evolves at a different pace. In my time, I have realized that it's not how long you've been on this Earth that truly counts, but it is the context of what is within the time you've spent on this Earth that truly counts. My childhood was filled with good times, and good friends. I never had a best friend - what is a best friend suppose to symbolize anyways? I grew up as an only child, and have only ever lived with one parent. My mom. I was never close to my mother, not even as a kid, and still to this day, our relationship is strained. Sometimes I feel like I've raised myself. Or I've been inspired to raise myself. I've even tried to explain to people before that I "don't really have a family" and that it's just me, myself, and I (and music, and Madonna, and whoever else decides to jump on the bandwagon). No, my childhood wasn't horrible. I had lots of fun. But I've always just felt older. Older than my actual age. And the funny thing is, I always wished that I was an older age, a more suitable age for myself. For example, I've always thought being 30 would be exhilarating - I guess I'll find out. Childhood, adulthood, young, old - whatever - it's not about your age. It's about your mindset.

I was overprotected by my mother. I wasn't even allowed to walk to school by myself in grade 6. And I lived right across the street from my elementary school. Even now, I swear I can see her spying on me from our apartment window while I'm making my way to Stamford. All in all, her overprotective nature never had any affect on me, positive or negative. I never made choices based off what she wanted. I always made choices based off what I wanted. Plus, I never listened to her. I've always been one step ahead of her. She told me not to smoke, or drink - well, I had already made up my mind about not participating in those activities. I am so lucky to have had the mentality at such a young age to make my own clever decisions about my lifestyle. I'm not arguing that parents should not look out for their children's well being. There are many bad influences out there, and I understand how difficult it is to spot the good ones from the bad ones. However, watching their every move will only increase their motive for rebellion. And giving them constant freedom will not teach them anything about right or wrong. I suppose the only answer for a parent is to balance authority, while also granting the choice of finding their own voice in the world.

As for me, I'm not interested in having my own children. I've always been secluded from family, and think that I would be extremely unhappy being a wife and a mom. That whole lifestyle completely clashes with all of my goals, dreams, and aspirations. My passions are my children, and I will be married to my career. This is not excluding a life partner from the picture. I may not believe in marriage or want to have kids, but I would still like to experience the security and happiness of a stable relationship. Who knows? Maybe years down the road, I will decide that I want children. Heck, I might even end up with a ring on my finger. I just hope all of my goals are reached by then. Perhaps childhood and adulthood aren't so overrated after all. They're just periods and stages in your life. Maybe they don't even exist. I rather not put labels on it. I know who I was then, and I know who I am now. I'm exactly who I want to be, and still growing every second.