Journal #6: "An Influential Person"

I live in a constant whirlwind of inspiration, and it is the most wonderful start and finish to my days. There are many people that I consider being connected to by soul. Sometimes I don't even feel like one person anymore. I discover new people, I meet new people, and over a period of time, I feel connected to them. I don't look up to anybody that I can't see myself in, and I don't believe that I've ever been influenced by anything that I didn't want to be influenced by. I am struggling to find words that properly describe the feelings that I have towards the influential people in my life. Words sometimes fail to justify what is felt inside. Ironically, I've found that, for myself, adding a melody to those heartfelt words can often express exactly how I'm feeling. First and foremost, I adore music. I'm always singing. I'm always humming. It drives others crazy, but that's who I am, and that's what I do. Music is my favourite outlet in the world, and it is fascinating to learn of people who don't listen to music very often, or who get sick of music very easily. I'm the complete opposite; I can listen to the same song all day, and still want to listen to it again and again. Without music, there would be no life. It upsets me when I hear people say that music doesn't matter. Music is unity, music is creation, music is expression, music is purgance. I have an extreme number of musical influences spanning from all area of genre. When I'm making my own music, I only hope that it turns out as incredible as theirs. I feel personally and spiritually connected to my favourite musical artists. Each and every one of them have their own unique spot in my heart. Music is my initial creative outlet. I wouldn't be able to handle anything without music.

I refer to Madonna as my hero. A guardian angel of mine. Not many people know why. And if they've ever heard me elaborate, most people really don't understand why. Madonna means so much to me, because in the simplest form, she has taught me, guided me, inspired me, and at the end of the day, has saved me. It is hard to explain with words how she makes me feel; when people ask me in person, I get tongue-tied, and when I'm stuck writing a journal entry on it, I can never find the right words to fully express the impact she has had on my life. I can still remember the very first time I ever laid my eyes on Madonna. I was only 8 years old. I was at my Grandparent's house, and I was plunked on the couch watching TV with my family. Her music video for Human Nature came on TV, and right then and there, I knew that I had a strong connection to her. Everything about her inspired me; her look, her attitude, her presence, her strength. I was glued to the screen. Years later, when I actually started getting into music and entertainment beyond Teletoon and YTV, I began to watch documentaries and read biographies about her. I thought it was incredible to feel such a bond with a person that I've never met before. I was about 11, I reckon, when I consider to myself to have become a Madonna fan, like how I am now. When I was at that age, I had barely any self-esteem. I had many internal conflicts, and I felt all alone in the world. I was so afraid of who I was; I couldn't handle it. I didn't love myself. Through M, who I have always seen so much of myself in, I learned self-respect, self-value, and self-love. When I would hear her music, see her on TV, read her quotes, anything, it was just one thing after another that I had in common with her. At that point, what kept running through my mind was How come you're so afraid to be yourself? If she can be herself in front of the world, than I can certainly be myself in front of the people in my life. It's time to be strong like M. I have truly learned so much from this woman about the world, about life, about the media, about people, and of course, about myself. It's hard to think about how my life would've gone up until this point without the inspiration of Madonna. It's deathly scary, actually. I might be a completely different person. I feel that Madonna has made me a better person in the world, given me hope, strength, and confidence throughout hardships in my life, and has ultimately made my life a lot happier and clearer. Seeing a simple smile on her face can enhance my day. Many people don't like Madonna because they don't understand her. Madonna is an incredibly strong and independent woman; she's ambitious, and she's got balls. A lot of people are afraid of a woman being in control and having power over her own life. I wish society was not so close-minded. I think it's disgusting the way people view M, and how they talk about her: Child-robber (the most hurtful), whore, inhuman, too old, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc, etc. Can I roll my eyes now? More than half of these people don't even know what they're talking about, and fail miserably at attaining any actual knowledge about Madonna and/or her life. I think it's obvious that it is not a reflection on Madonna - it's a pure reflection on them. I have now realized that my paragraph is now turning into a rant. I defend her like I would defend myself, and I hope that goes to show how wholeheartedly connected I really am to her. I don't know how many times I've tried to tell people how much I love Madonna. I'm like a broken record when it comes to my appreciation of her. I'm honestly sitting here, trying to think of new and creative ways of confessing my thankfulness. And even though this next line isn't new at all, I think it perfectly sums up this paragraph: if I were allowed to say only one thing to Madonna over the course of my entire life, it would be "Thanks." I know she would understand.

There are so many people who I look up to, but not many of them are people that I know in person. It doesn't bother me, but sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks - I don't have many people that I can confide in. There aren't a lot of people that I fully trust around here. But I've met someone over the course of my high school years that I am immensely honoured to have had the chance of getting to know. Her name is Maria DiPardo, and she's like a big sister to me. I tell that to anyone who asks (and sometimes when they don't ask). I see so much of myself in her, it's even slightly odd that we're not related. Except for the fact that we don't look alike, and I'm not Italian. She is one of the most strong, loyal, warm, fun, caring, compassionate people that I've ever met, and I consider anybody lucky to have her in their life. She is very supportive of me, and I will always return that to her. Through her happiness, I can find happiness. I can go to her to unload, I can go to her for small-talk, and I can go to her with my problems. I know that when I talk to her, there is no judgement. I first met D (I often refer to her as this) back in the 10th grade. I was placed in her 3rd period History class, and at first, I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not. I was always hearing negative things about her and the way she taught her classes. Once the semester started, I really couldn't understand why. Her presence was so warm and welcoming, I was uplifted by simply being around her. By the second week, I realized how awesome she was, and how wrong everybody else was. It's a shame when people don't see what a wonderful person she is, although, much like the silly people who hate on Madonna, it's clearly only a reflection on them, not on her. I remember sitting in her class, having so much emotional trauma going on in my life, yet forgetting all of it for that hour. Then, going to lunch, feeling much stronger than I did before. I don't even know how to thank her for that. I guess she should just be thanked for being herself. No matter what, I've got her back. We're like Lucy and Ethel, Timon and Pumbaa, Peanut Butter and Jelly. We go together. I will keep in touch with her, no matter where my life takes me, and wherever I am in the world, I will always send my love to her.