Dramatic Monologue

Scorn's Favourite Outlet, written by Courtney Olmstead

I guess you're wondering why you're here right about now.
Here, with me, in this reeking basement that smells like God knows what.
It's quite a surprise when you wake up tied tightly to a chair,
With a pair of socks bulging hard into your dry throat.
Well, I'm not gonna bullshit you, George, darling.
Catch that sarcasm?
I will cut you up, stuff you in a suitcase,
And throw those remains into the salty Pacific.
I found those letters, I hope you know.
The ones you wrote to her, you faulty bastard.
How you were going to fake your death and run away with her.
"Oh, Sara, you're the only woman I've ever loved,
Oh, you're the only one who makes me orgasm,
Oooooooh Sara, Sara"
That one really hurt, Georgio.
You think I was satisfied with our sex life?
Half the time you couldn't even stick it in the right hole,
And still, I never strayed.
Oh, what does it matter now, huh?
Come morning, you'll be at the bottom of the ocean,
And I'll be on a plane to Japan.
You know, I've always wanted to go there and shop.
Ugh, stop fidgeting, George, and don't make that noise!
If you didn't scream on account of that wretched woman's face in the morning,
Than death should be a piece of pie, tasty and filling.
You're just trying to make me feel guilty!
Shame on you, George.
You knew what I would do if I found out,
You knew, therefore, the fault belongs to you, mister.
Ergh! You make me vomit - not a nice feeling.
The blade on this knife is cold.
It's going to pierce you like a shark tooth.
Although, I'm not so sure you won't physically
Get acquainted with a shark eventually.
You know, since I'm handing you over to the sea.
Aren't I a generous murder?
I always knew you had dreams of being a marine biologist.
Now, this is gonna hurt, George, I suggest you bite down hard on that sock.
Ack! Err! Hhh!
Now that's a real bloodbath, if you know what I mean!
Oh, how I could forcefully carve a design right here
In this beautiful throat -- you shaved this morning, didn't you? -- Oh,
Don't make that God awful face,
You used to love art.
You should be proud,
Because you're murder is my new art.
Oh! I believe I've found my new favourite outlet.

The Ode

Ode to the City, written by Courtney Olmstead

The city possesses the eyes of an eagle
For the city is always awake,
Nurturing the busy traffic and the busy people
I love the distorted cracks in the pavement, a characteristic that never flakes
And how the lights continue their lit, even when the people stir
The faint smell of gasoline on a cool, wet, mystical evening
The romantic roar of trucks, and car doors slamming of which I am lured
To peek out the window, with the sky above like a blanket for the city's stars to burn
I crave to visualize the sounds that are endlessly teasing
And I crave a midnight stroll through the city, my old friend, let my spirit again be cured

Journal #8: "Kaboom!"

Some people crack under pressure. Well, I do not crack. I explode. As these weeks go by, I'm beginning to feel more and more stressed out about everything that's going on in my life. I've got home issues, I've got school issues, I've got "Hair" issues. It's all leading up to one big emotional issue. And I'm dying for an emotional explosion right about now. Most people probably don't like the thought of "breaking down." But I love it. What a wonderful release it is. I just wanna run through a field and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to watch everyone who's in my way blow up along with my feelings. I do not believe in bottling things up inside; I think it's incredibly unhealthy for you. But lately, I've been having a hard time expressing the displeasure that is currently weighing me down. It's been difficult, even to cry, no matter how hard I try to squeeze the tears out of my eyes. During the March break, I had a large amount of time to myself, and for the first time in a while, I found it to be very detrimental. I had so much time to think, that I actually started to over think everything, and nit-pick every single little thing that I did. I was drowning in fears that I would normally roll my eyes at. It's funny how emotions can sneak up on you, especially considering that I've been unsuccessfully trying to provoke them on purpose. Somehow, I knew mine would sneak up on me in public.

I started sobbing right in the middle of our Saturday "Hair" rehearsal. We're at a crunch point in our show, and our director has just started re-blocking and re-casting our scenes. I got lost in one of our dance numbers, and suddenly, my mind got lost, also, in a tornado of stress and anxiety. No, I hadn't felt good, I hadn't had my homework done, I didn't understand the directions, I was afraid of disappointing everyone. So? I just started to cry in the middle of everything. It felt good, but the joy was wrapped in embarrassment. It's strange, because usually when I cry in front of others, embarrassment is the last thing I feel. Regularly, I have too much pride to feel embarrassed over crying. That sort of thing doesn't even fit my character. The worst part wasn't even that I just had a meltdown in front of 30 people, their eyes being my cage. The worst part was that all of them thought that I was crying because somebody, or more, was "yelling at me." Hah! No, no, when people yell at me.. I yell back. I was pissed that everybody thought that. I had a boiling rage, but I managed to keep that inside. See, that's what happens: first, you're vulnerable and all you can do is cry. Then, you're angry at everybody and proceed to snap at anyone who walks by. The only downside to breakdowns is the fact that at least someone is going to view you in a different light. Most people decide to keep it behind closed doors, but I'm not that type of person. I have nothing to hide. What bothers me is that certain people do indeed judge, and will probably begin treating you differently. You know, less "harsh", because they don't think you can "take the heat", so to say. It's ironic, since I am the heat. Excuse me for the rant, but it was about time.

You cannot escape emotions. And I would never want to. I love emotions because they remind me that I'm alive. I guess I can say that I'm starting to feel like I'm actually living again, instead of simply going through the motions. Right now, I'm just trying to get everything I need on track. First and foremost, I have to finish my school assignments. Then, I have to complete my community service hours. And of course, on top of that, I must work my hardest at making "Hair" a great production. Looking at everything I have ahead of me is extremely overwhelming, but these are things that have to be done, or else I'll let myself down. I'm going to let my explosions free, preferably on my own, where no one can pass judgements. After all, breaking down is such a cleansing experience. I laugh at those who run away from their own feelings. I rather embrace them, and let them flow at their own speed. In my perspective, it's the only way to live.

Lyric Poem

Replaced by Paper, written by Courtney Olmstead

I have a paper heart
Careful, it might blow away in the wind
It could slip through my ribcage at any minute
If it gets wet, it's more eligible to rip
So what happens if I rip this heart in half?
There is no blood
There are no guts, no veins
At least 'tis free from scratches, or cuts, or being drenched in chains
And yes, I'm free from the shatter of defeat

I'd like to see you put me in pain now
Yeah, I'd like to see you put me in pain

I'm sure I could breathe without a lung
Like living without a beating heart
All I really need is the light from the sun
I used to be on fire all the time
I rather a paper heart because my feelings will burn me up
Right up, yes

You can shape it as a sail boat, or an airplane, or a crane
I close my eyes and let the rain wash this little cut-out
I'm zen here with no feelings at all
There's a certain beauty in the numbing stillness
Maybe this time I can truly be a saint
Maybe this time I won't rip my heart to pieces
For what is in this symmetrical shape that would crack my scarlet soul?
And if yet my heart is way too big, then it's easy enough to fold
To hurt by hurting another is no longer legal in this body

You think I should tell him I'm not able to love?
You think I should tell him?

I'm sure I could fly without wings (and steal the stars from the sky)
Like living without a beating heart (I'll never be touched again)
All I really need is the shine from the universe
I used to be on fire all the time
I rather a paper heart because my feelings will burn me up
Just burn me right up

I could lose this white, blank excuse for the sake of being real
When will things be easier again?

Imitation Poem

The Human, imitated from The Aliens, by Charles Bukowski

you might not perceive it
but there are always
lights in the darkness
of life
hurting or
depressed.
you can dream while
sleep or wake.
you can fight discontent
feelings inside
you.
not all moments are
good
but overall
you are not helpless
and in time, you
will shine.
and when you die
many will miss you here
on earth, where gravity
sways.
you might not perceive
it
but your energy
persuades.
you are not simply
average.
nor have you come from outerspace
not a princess, or queen
poor or mean
you can
be
who you are
or
change on this
day.

*****

The Aliens, by Charles Bukowski

you may not believe it
but there are people
who go through life with
very little
friction or
distress.
they dress well, eat
well, sleep well.
they are contented with
their family
life.
they have moments of
grief
but all in all
they are undisturbed
and often feel
very good.
and when they die
it is an easy
death, usually in their
sleep.
you may not believe
it
but such people do
exist.
but I am not one of
them.
oh no, I am not one
of them,
I am not even near
to being
one of
them
but they are
there
and I am
here.

The Sonnet

The Symbol of Anger, written by Courtney Olmstead

I've been seeing guns in my dreams lately
"Who feeds the flame," I ask, "who feeds the flame?"
Anger and aggression, the cause of thee
Now haunted by the whispers in my brain
When I cannot purge a single tear drop
A block is formed between cause and effect
And everyone says, "Now, you have to stop"
So weak and frail, you never could reflect
I must disengage before I explode
Now breathe deep, little girl, and let it go
Or you'll miss your chance to kiss the sweet toad
The next time you dream, don't let the guns show
If that, you may easily go insane
With truth from your heart, you are not to blame

Found Poem

I will fall gracefully
In the arms of unconsciousness
Into my open heart
I am the Earth Mother
I am your moon, and your moonlight too

A spinning world can make you ill
I have a hiding place
The compass wouldn't help at all
Stay near the water
Where the pink sky can fall

I know now fragility
Porcelain Gods slow the rain
Forests of thorns borne through the sky
In a sunset, she finds repose
It gives beauty to breath

Oh, sweet bitterness, covered in thorns
How the God's above could shame
The road to love may be barred
Be it the Lord's way of chastising you
Nothing's gonna stop me from floating