Journal #8: "Kaboom!"

Some people crack under pressure. Well, I do not crack. I explode. As these weeks go by, I'm beginning to feel more and more stressed out about everything that's going on in my life. I've got home issues, I've got school issues, I've got "Hair" issues. It's all leading up to one big emotional issue. And I'm dying for an emotional explosion right about now. Most people probably don't like the thought of "breaking down." But I love it. What a wonderful release it is. I just wanna run through a field and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to watch everyone who's in my way blow up along with my feelings. I do not believe in bottling things up inside; I think it's incredibly unhealthy for you. But lately, I've been having a hard time expressing the displeasure that is currently weighing me down. It's been difficult, even to cry, no matter how hard I try to squeeze the tears out of my eyes. During the March break, I had a large amount of time to myself, and for the first time in a while, I found it to be very detrimental. I had so much time to think, that I actually started to over think everything, and nit-pick every single little thing that I did. I was drowning in fears that I would normally roll my eyes at. It's funny how emotions can sneak up on you, especially considering that I've been unsuccessfully trying to provoke them on purpose. Somehow, I knew mine would sneak up on me in public.

I started sobbing right in the middle of our Saturday "Hair" rehearsal. We're at a crunch point in our show, and our director has just started re-blocking and re-casting our scenes. I got lost in one of our dance numbers, and suddenly, my mind got lost, also, in a tornado of stress and anxiety. No, I hadn't felt good, I hadn't had my homework done, I didn't understand the directions, I was afraid of disappointing everyone. So? I just started to cry in the middle of everything. It felt good, but the joy was wrapped in embarrassment. It's strange, because usually when I cry in front of others, embarrassment is the last thing I feel. Regularly, I have too much pride to feel embarrassed over crying. That sort of thing doesn't even fit my character. The worst part wasn't even that I just had a meltdown in front of 30 people, their eyes being my cage. The worst part was that all of them thought that I was crying because somebody, or more, was "yelling at me." Hah! No, no, when people yell at me.. I yell back. I was pissed that everybody thought that. I had a boiling rage, but I managed to keep that inside. See, that's what happens: first, you're vulnerable and all you can do is cry. Then, you're angry at everybody and proceed to snap at anyone who walks by. The only downside to breakdowns is the fact that at least someone is going to view you in a different light. Most people decide to keep it behind closed doors, but I'm not that type of person. I have nothing to hide. What bothers me is that certain people do indeed judge, and will probably begin treating you differently. You know, less "harsh", because they don't think you can "take the heat", so to say. It's ironic, since I am the heat. Excuse me for the rant, but it was about time.

You cannot escape emotions. And I would never want to. I love emotions because they remind me that I'm alive. I guess I can say that I'm starting to feel like I'm actually living again, instead of simply going through the motions. Right now, I'm just trying to get everything I need on track. First and foremost, I have to finish my school assignments. Then, I have to complete my community service hours. And of course, on top of that, I must work my hardest at making "Hair" a great production. Looking at everything I have ahead of me is extremely overwhelming, but these are things that have to be done, or else I'll let myself down. I'm going to let my explosions free, preferably on my own, where no one can pass judgements. After all, breaking down is such a cleansing experience. I laugh at those who run away from their own feelings. I rather embrace them, and let them flow at their own speed. In my perspective, it's the only way to live.